Services provided:

1. Ahonen, a script scientist, will take upon your comatose writing and reanimate it with his electrifying Frankensteinian technique.
2. Ahonen, a beguiling schemer, will coach you in fundraising whilst imparting his unconventional financial strategies upon your sullen worldview.
3. Ahonen, a voluptuary, will accompany you to "events" whilst providing priceless conversation and/or bedside disposition.
4. Ahonen, a world-class tennis handicapper, will gift you with professional insights into all matches played west of Poland.
5. Ahonen, a break-up advisor, will create a custom-made game plan for confidently exiting your dastardly marriage with class. (This service is exclusive to wives with one shank already out the door).

All prices negotiable.

All services rendered discreetly.